The Recent Spate of Zombie Attacks
June 7, 2012
Howdy all. I’ve decided, since there have been so many zombie attacks lately, we should delve into this for a while. Please bear with me, and I promise next week will be more gun fun.
So, why am I blogging about this? Well, the short answer would be I couldn’t decide which gun to write about. The long answer would be there was one recently not too far from my home.
Yep, that’s right. Scott, La. suffered its first zombie attack, when one guy bit off a part of another guy’s face!
Of course, by now we have all heard of the fine fellow in Florida who decided he needed to eat someone’s face off.
So, what does this mean for the average guy? Well quite a few things actually:
- In the past, it was always thought zombies were partial to brains. This line of thinking must now be challenged, as it would seem the face is their preferred nourishment.
- A zombie need not be ‘dead’ to be a zombie! Conventional wisdom had the zombies returning from the grave. Now, we know they instead start the path to zombiedom by ingesting bath salts.
- Zombies may still be taken by the standard head shot, but as we have seen in the Florida incident, they cannot be stopped by a body shot. However, several body shots will, in fact, do the trick.
- Zombies can be arrested. This new fact was brought to light by the Scott, Louisiana attack.
- Zombies are nuts! Both attacks confirm this. In fact a, still in study, zombie attack happened with a mixed martial arts fighter ripping out the heart of his training partner! Although he did not go for the man’s face, we can assume some aberration in any pattern, and the fact that he did this at all lends credence to him being completely nuts and therefore a zombie.
- America is not the only place these attacks have happened. In Canada there was a case of a cross-dressing zombie sending body parts to various individuals. This is further confirmation that, although nuts, zombies can in fact use a mail service.
With these things in mind, we need to adjust our zombie train of thought. Of course, one should be armed at all times and be aware of any zombies who may be in the area. One should also carry a regulation hockey mask as that may slow, or stop the attack all together.
An important thing to remember is there are many millions of nuts out there, but not all are zombies. Take, for instance, the common thug. While it is true they are nuts, they have not achieved the ‘nutdom’ level of the true zombie.
So, how does one tell if you are facing a zombie or a thug? Luckily there are some tell tale signs.
First, if you smell a high level of salt, you are probably facing a zombie. Second, zombies, it would seem, rarely come up and say things like “Yo dawg,” or, “What you be doin here?” Third, if your assailant isn’t wearing clothes—yep, probably a zombie. Lastly, zombies have the decency to wear pants correctly, except for the naked ones which have no pants. Indeed, even the cross-dressing zombies will be well attired.
Now that we have parameters for what the zombie’s profile may be, and remember these parameters are subject to change, we must next talk a little about what we should do to avoid a zombie attack.
Never, and, I repeat, never take off your clothes. This will embolden the common zombie, and he WILL go directly for the face. Under no circumstances should you carry bath salts. Although not proven, this may well attract the common zombie. Never drop your guard. If nothing else, the attack in Scott proves zombies may well be in rural areas. Never go into the ring with a mixed martial artist. As a rule the zombies will not say, “Man, I’m going to eat your face.” This is also true with the anomalous rip-your-heart-out type.
As we wrap this up, the best advice I can give is to be prepared. This early in the attack phase, there are a host of indicators which are sure to come to light. So, stay on your guard, and keep reading here, as I will do my best to give out the current findings regarding the situation. Good luck y’allClick on one or more of the social media buttons above to share on your page.